Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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