Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
