I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
