false alarm. still invincible.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
