remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
it's like iHOP with fire
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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