I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
