i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
