So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
