i already hear my dad disowning me
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
