sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
