capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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