I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
