Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
