I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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