Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
