That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
