Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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