Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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