My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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