i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
