YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
