Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
