this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
