no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
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