he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
