Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
