Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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