On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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