when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
