yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
