I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
