I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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