I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
