She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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