It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
