thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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