Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
