lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
