I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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