I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
