Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
