Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
