worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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