seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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