my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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