Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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