Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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