I wish I could punch you in the face.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Randomize
