I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
it was like eating out sand paper
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
