Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
