My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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