last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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