Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
