hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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