i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
