I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
