White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
