hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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