Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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