I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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