If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
